The Adventures of Max, Space Hamster
by MuffledWalnut
Summary: After learning that Shepard would have to leave him with a friend outside of the Normandy once she turned the ship into the Alliance, Max makes a daring escape and spends the next few months avoiding capture and watching the various activities aboard the dry docked ship.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! I came up with this story as a little aside while I was writing my longer story. The first chapter is pretty short, but more will follow. I hope parts aren't difficult to understand; I was trying to convey how I thought a space hamster might think. I'd love to know what you guys think, or if there was something I could have done better before I get more chapters up!**

* * *

_The Adventures of Max, Space Hamster_

Rumbling stopped. Owner-human back in cabin. Not upset, but not happy. Tired. Maybe if I…*meep*. Owner-human turns and smiles. Good. Sleep now. Wait.

Miranda-human opening door. Sits on couch near Owner-human.

"Shepard. What now? Are you going back to the Alliance? They'll court martial you, or worse. Your whole crew has technically been working for Cerberus. I won't go to the Alliance; they catch sight of me and I'm locked up for the rest of my life," the Miranda-human says.

"I have to go to the Alliance, Miranda. It's part of who I am; you know that. But never would I expect the rest of you to go down with me. The non-human crew will go back to their respective governments. I know Garrus, Tali, Mordin, Samara, and Grunt for sure won't face repercussions upon their return. Thane is wanted for a lot more than working with Cerberus; he'll do what he does and be fine. It's the human crew we need to find a solution for. They're the only ones the Alliance has jurisdiction over," Owner-human says.

"We did steal the choice away from most of them. Leaving Cerberus is life-threatening. What if we just give them the choice? We dock at a large space station that won't notice the people and then give everyone two choices. They can leave the Normandy, no questions asked. I suppose they could even go back to Cerberus if they didn't want to deal with the Illusive Man's backlash. Or they can go to the Alliance with you, and face those consequences," the Miranda-human says.

"That would work. Hell, we might as well stop at the Citadel. Tell the Alliance that we'll meet there, and show up 3 days before the day we tell them. That'll give everyone time to disappear. I just….I know it's the right thing to do. But seeing everyone split up again is just awful. Plus, I'll have to give the Alliance the Normandy. This ship and the original Normandy have been my home for over a year, if you don't count the two years I was dead. I can't imagine they'll give me command of it again. And that doesn't feel right. I'm an Alliance soldier and I know I need to answer for my actions with Cerberus, even if they were justified. But this is my ship," Owner-human says.

*meep*

"And shoot, what am I going to do with Max? And the fish I haven't managed to kill?" Owner-human says. She shakes her head.

"Really, Shepard? The hamster is on the list of things you're worried about right now? Well, give Kelly the damn fish. She's got a soft spot for you and you know she'll actually keep them alive. Why don't you give the hamster to Liara? What good is a girlfriend if they won't watch your pets for you while you're in jail?"

"I guess that'll work. Liara doesn't really get the hamster thing though. She doesn't understand why I'm so attached to Max. I can tell Glyph to remind her to feed him though. Hell, I might as well ask Glyph to watch Max," Owner-human says.

The two humans walk to door. Door closes. Cabin quiet. Know of Liara-blue-not-human. Liara-blue-not-human not Owner-human. Liara-blue-not-human not on Normandy. Want to stay in Max-home. Will not leave. Will plan. Not now. Sleep. Tomorrow plan.


	2. Max Makes His Escape

_Max Makes His Escape_

* * *

"Oh, Shepard, right there, keep going," Liara-blue-not-human was saying.

Daily mating is right on time. Part of Max-plan. Owner-human distracted. Crawl on top of box in Max-home. Right paw up. Edge too far. Jump? Look down at belly. Too big. Try anyway. Ouch. Too much noise. Owner-human looks up. *meep**meepmeepmeep* Owner-human looks over again and gets up to come look.

"Shepard, don't you dare! I didn't even finish!" Liara-blue-not-human yells.

"Calm down, Liara, I'm just checking on Max. He doesn't usually make this much noise," Owner-human says.

"Ugh! It's bad enough you are making me take your hamster home with me, but you can't even deal out a proper thank you? You're hopeless," Liara-blue-not-human says. She smiles.

Put paws on glass. Look cute. *meep* Owner-human picks up. Cuddled in arms. Sigh. Happy.

"It's okay, little guy. I know you don't want to go with mean old Liara, but I can't take you with me," Owner-human says.

"I know you did not call me old to a hamster," Liara-blue-not-human says.

Perfect. Wiggles. Wiggles a lot, then jump. Out of arms. Run. Don't know how to work big-up-down-box. Hide under couch. Owner-human upset. But Max doesn't want to leave.

"C'mon, Max, come back out. Liara, help me look for Max. He's in here somewhere," Owner-human says.

"I do think this may be that divine karma you always spoke about. Maybe I'll just lie here and enjoy the view," Liara-blue-not-human says. Owner-human looks at Liara-blue-not-human.

"I guess it's not like he can leave the room," Owner-human says and goes back to the bed. "If he poops in here, I'm blaming you."

* * *

Rub paws together. Owner-human and Liara-blue-not-human getting on big-up-down-box. Must be sneaky. One paw. Next paw. Scurry before doors close. Dark in box. Go to corner. Owner-human not see. Hm. Big blue glowy circle. Glowy-circle frightening.

"What's with you, Shepard?" Joker-funny-walk says.

"Oh, she's just upset that she can't find her hamster," Liara-blue-not-human sighs.

"The devlish creature up and tricked me! He must have know he was going to leave with Liara today, so he jumped right out of my arms. I've searched the whole cabin for him, but I can't find him anywhere. There's no way he worked an elevator. I'm worried he found his way into the ducts," Owner-human says.

"Seriously? If he's in the ducts, we'll never find him. I bet he'll come out for food though. Better warn the crew about the horrible monster you've unleashed on the ship," Joker-funny-walk says.

"I don't understand the grudge you people have about my hamster. He's freakin adorable!" Owner-human murmers.

Ducts? Max never found in ducts. Will go there. What is a duct?

* * *

**I like keeping these short, even if it results in more chapters. Thanks to Random guy (guest), OdinAUT, and Reaper7 for your reviews! This is just a fun thing I'm doing on the side, so put suggestions in your reviews! Where do you want Max to go next? I'll try to work it in!**


	3. Not a Rat

_Not a Rat_

Scurry forward. Avoid glowy-circle. Many humans, but none see Max. A zip up some stairs. Hear voice of Joker-funny-walk. Other voice, new. Strange.

"What are we going to do about you, EDI? There's no way the Alliance will allow you to stay in the ship. The minute they find out that you're an AI, they'll rip you out of the Normandy. Even if you pretend to be a simple VI, how are we supposed to explain the fucking massive AI core behind the med-bay? I can't even guarantee that I'll be allowed back on the Normandy," Joker-funny-walk says. His head hangs. Sad. Like Owner-human.

"You could choose to leave the Alliance, Jeff, like the others?" Machine-voice says.

"What? Are you kidding? Then I'll never be back on the Normandy. This ship is my baby! Piloting anything else would feel...wrong. Hell, flying a ship for anyone but the commander would feel wrong. That woman…I don't know what we would do without her. The Alliance is going to court martial her, I just know it. She doesn't deserve that. So I'm going with her, and I'm going to vouch for evey decision she made," Joker-funny-walk sighs.

"Is this because you feel guilty over Shepard's death, Jeff?" Machine-voice asks.

"Yeah…maybe. This would never have happened if I have evacuated like everyone else. Wait a minute…EDI do you see that? Is that…a hamster? Max! Catch it!" Joker-funny-walk says. He gets out of chair. Max in trouble. Joker-funny-walk sees. A dark hole in the wall. Max jumps through. Sigh. Safe. See Joker-funny-walk limp by.

"C'mon, EDI! Don't you have any traps that could catch a hamster?" Joker-funny-walk asks.

"I have a cyberwarfare suite, Mr. Moreau. There is nothing within that or my programming that is suitable for…_rat_ extermination," Machine-voice deadpans.

Max puffs chest. Not rat! Insulted. Will go chew through wires connected to Machine-voice.

"Extermination? Are you kidding me? EDI, that is Shepard's hamster! If you kill that thing, she will rip you out of the Normandy before the Alliance ever has a chance to! Look, it probably slipped through one of these slots. Is there any way for you to see where he is? Are there any cameras in there? Do you even feel things like that?" Joker-funny-walk says. He is looking straight into Max-hole, but does not see.

"I may have significant processing power, Jeff, but I do not keep cameras within unnecessary parts of the ship. Asking me to do so is like me asking if you can see inside one of your veins. It is not possible without further external technology," Machine-voice says.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks for the lecture, Mom. All you had to say was no, geez. I guess I'll just tell Shepard that I saw Max, but he got away. If you're nice to me, I won't tell her about your hamster catching ineptitudes," Joker-funny-walk says.

Machine-voice about to answer. Max finds wires. Bite through with snap! Maching-voice makes garbled sound. Clicks off.

"What the hell? Hold on, EDI, I'll fix this," Joker-funny-walk says.

Chuckle from Max. Max not a rat. Space hamster.

* * *

**Thanks to everyone for their reviews! I wanted to give Reaper7 a special thank you for the idea to use EDI to make hamster traps. She hasn't started them yet, but it's coming up! Keep the ideas coming, and thanks for reading!**


	4. What If?

**Thank you to everyone for the reviews, favorites, and follows! I'm so glad you like the story! **

* * *

Hole in wall goes downward. A little left, a little right, then sharp drop. Max going down…there? Hear voices. Owner-human! Jump quickly down hole. Land with a thump! Still dark, but light a little ways forward. Pop head out of wall. New room. Couches, like in Owner-human room. Big green table to right and tall long table to left. Owner-human on couches with Liara-blue-not-human, Tali-purple-fur, and Garrus-bird-face.

"Alright, Alright. I've got a new one. Who would win in a fight…Tali or me?" Garrus-bird-face asks.

"Well, that depends on the distance. If she didn't know you had a sniper scope on her, of course you would win, Garrus. But in a close up fight? Tali would drop your ugly mug," Owner-human said. Tali-purple-fur preened and Garrus-bird-face stood up.

"What? Impossible! I have incredible hand-to-hand combat skills. And she's so…tiny," Garrus-bird-face says.

"Tiny! You've seen my hips, Vakarian, there's nothing tiny about that. And you may have hand-to-hand combat skills, but I've got a shotgun and Chiktikka, who will shock you in the butt until I get close enough," Tali-purple-fur says.

"You know, Garrus, you always did have reach. But Tali there has flexibility," Owner-human says and winks. Garrus-bird-face turns strange color.

"Ah. Damn," Garrus-bird-face coughs. "I've got a new question."

"Go for it, Vakarian," Owner-human says.

"So, say the Collectors get on board again. Who would you go save…Max or Liara?" Garrus-bird-face asks.

"That's simply a preposterous question, Garrus. Of course she would come save me. I'm the love of her life, and Max is a hamster," Liara-blue-not-human says.

Owner-human looks uncomfortable, trying to look away from Liara-blue-not-human. All turn to Owner-human. Want answer.

"Shepard…" Liara-blue-not-human says dangerously.

"What? Max is defenseless! If there were a fight between you and a Collector, you would win. If there were a fight between Max and a Collector, he would be squashed. I mean, if you were really in danger I'd come after you, of course. I just might make a quick detour," Owner-human says sheepishly.

"I cannot _believe_ you would save a non-sentient being with fur over your beautiful asari girlfriend, Shepard," Liara-blue-not-human says.

"I could go save you from something right now, if you like," Owner-human says and winks. Liara-blue-not-human turns purple and jumps up, grabbing hand of Owner-human.

"We'll just be here, waiting for the hero to return!" Garrus-bird-face yells. Max likes Garrus-bird-face. Pitter-pat out of duct and jump onto couch. Snuggle into warm side.

"What? Oh, now the hamster decides to show up," Garrus-bird-face says.

"Max! We should go give him back to Shepard; she's been so worried," Tali-purple-fur says.

"Really, Tali? You want to go up to the commander's cabin…right now?" Garrus-bird-face asks.

"Er…no. No, I really don't want that at all. Maybe we just keep an eye on him until they get back," Tali-purple-fur says. Pets Max. Max-smile.


	5. Engineering Deck

**AN: Special thanks to my reviewer, Reaper7, who gave me the idea to have Max poop in Jack's bed. I didn't have her try to kill him, but I thought Jack throwing biotics everywhere wouldn't be a good idea. This was more fun anyway. So here we go: Max is back, and he easily escaped from the embarrassed Garrus and Tali of last chapter. I doubt they'll be so lenient next time. **

* * *

Engineering Deck

"What the absolute FUCK?" Jack-naked-human yells. Max sleeping in ship bottom. Yelling loud echo. Not sleeping anymore.

Rumbling. Big footsteps. Running down stairs.

"What's going on?" Grunt-big says. Grunt-big looks where Jack-naked-human points.

"Shepard's little fucker pooped in my bed. A whole level of Engineering and that hamster chooses _my_ damn bed. I bet Shepard put the thing up to this. I don't know how, and I don't care. This is her fault," Jack-naked-human says.

"Who cares? Just wipe it off. You'll be fine. Humans," Grunt-big rumbles, "always worked up." Grunt-big walks back to stairs.

"Oh no you don't, big guy. That little asshole didn't poop in your bed, but he's coming for you next if he's on this level. You're going to help me catch him," Jack-naked-human says.

"You don't even know where the damn thing is," Grunt big says.

"And? It's a hamster. It's probably curled up somewhere small in the walls. So I say you pull those wall coverings off for me until we find him," Jack-naked-human says.

"You want me to rip through large pieces of metal sheeting? You want me to destroy the Engineering deck of Shepard's ship?" Grunt-big asks.

"That sounds about right," Jack-naked-human says.

"You're on," Grunt-big smiles, "but if Shepard asks: this was your idea."

Grunt-big goes to wall. Opposite wall of Max. Stay curled up. Comfortable. Grunt-big puts fingers through grating. Pulls. Large screech. Wall still attached. Grunt-big pulls again, harder. Large metal wall rips off. Grunt-big throws on floor. Ship rocks. Goes to next wall. Pulls. Hear elevator doors. Footsteps on upper level. Clanking down stairs. Owner-human! Oh. Owner-human angry. Runs to Grunt-big. Pushes him.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?" Owner-human screams.

"I'm finding your hamster for you," Grunt-big smiles.

"You…you're finding my hamster. You're finding my hamster by ripping apart my fucking ship? I should…ah!" Owner-human yells. Runs at Grunt-big. Punches. Jumps on back of Grunt-big, still punching.

"Hey, ow. Shepard get off," Grunt-big says.

"You pulled the walls off of the fucking Normandy. I should kill you!" Owner-human yells. Strange. Owner-human smiling.

Grunt-big runs up stairs with Owner-human still attached. Owner-human still attacking. Jack-naked-human laughing. She follows. Max still hidden. Back to sleep.


	6. Laundry Day

**Alright! So, I know this has been sitting for a while, and I apologize. In my defense, I was in the backwoods of Alaska, and also managed to break my ankle. Needless to say, I was drugged up and rather grumpy, not exactly a great writing mindset. I'm trying to jump back in anyway, so I hope you enjoy the latest installment of Max's adventures. **

**Also, shout out to OdinAUT, who sent me a message before my Alaska trip asking where I went. It was remembering that you were waiting that got me off my lazy bum to try and write something. So thanks!**

* * *

_Laundry Day_

"Hm, these must be it, right?" Garrus-bird-face asks. Turns to Grunt-big next to him, face unsure.

Max in new room. Big machines all around. Machines are quiet, not working. Max sniffs top of machine. Strange smell. Watches Garrus-bird-face and Grunt-big.

Garrus-bird-face carrying bag, so is Grunt-big.

"Here, look at this Grunt. There's instructions on this sign," Garrus-bird-face says. Grunt-big drops his bag with a plop.

"I don't see why we didn't ask the humans to help with this. These are their machines," Grunt-big protests.

"Most of the crew left when we stopped by Omega. They didn't want to wait until the CItadel to jump ship. There's no laundry service anymore," Garrus-bird-face says to Grunt-big.

Rumble from Grunt-big. "I know. I meant ask Shepard. Or the multiple humans still on the ship."

"Grunt, we flew through the Omega-4 Relay and destroyed the motherfucking Collector home base. I think we can figure out a simple human machine. If Shepard can work this thing, then so can I," Garrus-bird-face replies. Opens machine door cautiously. Still hasn't noticed Max on top, watching.

"Ok, the instructions say to put the soap in first. Looks like there's a whole box right here, and a scoop. Do you know how much of this stuff to use?" Garrus-bird-face asks.

"Heh, I'm big. You're kind of big. Let's use lots of soap," Grunt-big answers.

"So, maybe four scoops for the whole load? Sure, I bet that's right. Our stuff gets sweaty from all our fighting anyway. Ok, next it says to put the clothes in," Garrus-bird-face looks at Grunt-big. Grunt-big grabs bags. Shoves stuff in.

"Er, do you think we should put less in? It looks pretty...full," Garrus-bird-face turns to Grunt-big. Grunt-big shrugs. "I guess they used to do a lot of laundry at one time. I'm sure it's fine," Garrus-bird-face answers himself. Shuts machine door.

Grunt-big looks at sign. "Says to pick settings. Choose the hot ones. Make them extra clean."

Garrus-bird-face turns the dials. Pushes big button. Machine starts shaking. Max alarmed. Can't stay still. Machine moving too much.

"That normal?" Grunt-big asks.

"Sure?" Garrus-bird-face says. Shocked when bubbles start exploding from the machine. Bubbles everywhere. Shoot up towards Max. Try to scramble away. Too slippery now. Tumble off of machine into more bubbles on ground. Hit hard. Can't see anymore. Too many bubbles.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. That's not supposed to happen! Make the machine stop. Hurry!" Max hears Garrus-bird-face. Big foot lands near. Max jumps out of the way. Hole in top of bubbles now.

"What the actual fuck is going on in here?" Owner-human exclaims. Max relieved. Owner-human will help.

"We were just trying to do laundry…" Garrus-bird-face mumbled.

"Did you put any clothing in with all this soap? Shit, this is a mess," Owner-human says.

Max tries hopping to see over bubbles. Can't figure how to get out of bubbles. Can only see ceiling through all the white.

"No fucking way...is that Max in the bubbles? Quick grab him!" Owner-human yells.

Bubbles start flying everywhere. Can't see. Scared. Max runs. Looks back. Owner-human face down on floor of bubbles and water. Sees Max again and scrambles forward. Max runs again. Sees more humans at table. Dashes under table.

Hears grunt behind. Owner-human crashed into Miranda-human. Owner-human trips. Drags both to the floor. Owner-human on top of Miranda-human. Human faces very red.

Jack-naked-human jumps on table.

"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!" Jack-naked-human chants. Pumps fist in air, looking at others in room. Miranda-human turns more red. Still pinned to floor.

Owner-human turns shiny blue. Floats into air.

"Ah, shit, Liara. This is not what it looks like. I was chasing Max…" Owner-human tries to say.

"I hear one. more. word. about that damn hamster, Shepard, so help me. That sure looks a lot like Miranda, and not a space hamster," Liara-blue-not-human states.

"I swear he was there. Sneaky bastard is under the table right now. Wait, no, put me down, Liara. I need to get him. Liara? Liara!" Owner-human protests. Floats towards big up-down-box. "Aw, c'mon Liara, let me down. Biotics aren't playing fair."

"Funny, that's not what I heard from you last night when we played with my biotics," Liara-blue-not-human says. Walks into up-down-box. Owner-human turns red again.

Max makes a dash from the table into room of Miranda-human.

"Fuck, Liara! Look! He's right fucking there! Liara!" Owner-human yells. Up-down-box doors close. Max still hears yelling. Gets comfortable in Miranda-human laundry basket. Miranda-human closes doors. Max safe again.

* * *

**Another reminder that all comments are still welcome! I love the suggestions you guys come up with for the story! **


	7. Miranda-human

Ch. 7: Miranda-human

Max curled in elbow of Miranda-human. Likes Miranda-human. She's nice, like Owner-human. Miranda-room quiet. No one looks for Max in Miranda-room.

Miranda-humans looks down at Max. Smiles. Big blue eyes. *meep* Miranda-human smiles again. She doesn't smile for the others.

"Maybe I'll take care of you instead of Liara, hmm?" Miranda-human asks. Pets Max. "You're not so bad. You're quiet when I work and don't interrupt me, not like that owner of yours. She's…"

Miranda-human stops talking. Max snuggles in arm more.

"Bloody hell, I'm going to miss her," Miranda-human says.

Door opens.

"Ah, Miri, I'd hoped I'd catch you still awake," Brynn-human says. New human on Max-ship. Max sniffs and returns to Miranda-human arm.

"Dr. Cole, how can I help you?" Miranda-human says. Miranda-human smiles. Max surprised.

"Always with the formalities, Miri," Brynn-human says. Puts arms around MIranda-human. Kisses cheek. "I just got word that the other ex-Cerberus scientists are safely tucked away with Jacob, which means I have all the time in the world to stay with you."

"Until the _Normandy _is turned into the Alliance, and we both have to start running, you mean," Miranda-human says harshly.

"Yes, but that can be worried about tomorrow," Brynn-human says. Hands go up Miranda-human shirt. "Might as well use our time wisely, like everyone else on this aphrodisiac filled ship."

Miranda-human laughs. "They're just bored."

"Maybe I'm bored too," Brynn human says. Max backs out of Miranda arms.

"Miranda, could you…" Owner-human says, walking in door. Miranda-human pulls down shirt quickly. Faces red.

"Shepard," Miranda-human says. Clears throat. "I've told you a million times to knock first. Just because you have authorization to my door, does not give you the right…"

"...to steal my hamster," Owner human finishes. Face is funny.

"I'm sorry?" Miranda-human asks.

"Max is literally right there. Sitting on your desk. Have you had my fucking hamster this whole time?" Owner-human demands.

"What? Of course not," Miranda-human says. "I don't even like hamsters."

Max upset. But Miranda-human whispers, "Sorry Max."

Owner-human squints eyes. "Well, then I'll just take him with me. It's only a few days until we dock. He'll need to be ready to go when we leave."

Max runs. Jumps off desk. Can't go in cage. Won't leave ship.

"Goddamn it, Max! Fuck, how do those tiny legs move so fast?"

"Maybe you've just gotten slow in your old age, Shepard"

"Ha, ha. Shut up, Miranda."

* * *

**Alright, don't get too excited. It's been a while since I've updated this fic because I've been spending all my extra time on Who Do You Fight For? So more than likely, this will stay on the back burner, but I'll update when I can because it makes me happy. For anyone who didn't understand who Brynn was, she's the ex-Cerberus scientist from Mass Effect 3. I brought her on the ship for purely selfish reasons because I didn't like any (gay or het) relationship options for Miranda on the ship at that point. And goodness knows, that girl deserves some love, too. **

**On another note, do you guys like the (what I'm calling) "hamster voice"? Would you rather I switch to a more normal 3rd-person or keep it as is? **

**(This A/N originally asked whether I should make this a more serious fic, but I meant more a switch to 3rd person and actual complete sentences vs. having Max's slightly broken POV. I'm not sure I could make this content serious.)**


	8. Ants

**Chapter 8: Ants**

"Hey there, buddy," Owner-human says, holding her hand out to Max.

Max is on table next to Owner-human. Eyes Owner-human suspiciously. But stomach grumbles.

"Don't worry, Max, I won't put you back in the cage," Owner-human promises. She tears off lettuce from her sandwich and puts it in front of Max. Good. Max hungry.

"Evelyn Marie Shepard!" Miranda-human yells, storming in from her office. Blue glowy water hovers near her hand. Owner-human looks panicked, eyes wide.

"Do you know what _this_ is?" Miranda-human demands, pushing the glowy water in Owner-human's face.

"Well it certainly looks like your biotics," Owner-human says. She squints. "And a black speck. Am I supposed to understand what this is about?"

"That," Miranda-human waves the glowy water around, "is an ant. In fact, there are _many _ants in my office."

"Well how did a bunch of ants get onto a spaceship?" Owner-human asks. Miranda-human glares.

"That seems to be the question of the hour. However, I'm pretty sure I know exactly what tempted them onto the ship," Miranda-human says. She stares at Owner-human.

"Me? What did I do?" Owner-human asks.

"_You_ are a mess! You leave behind a feast any time you eat something! I mean, look at that!" Miranda-human yells. Points at table. Lots of ants. Max uses a paw to push some ants away from the lettuce. Max's lettuce, not for tiny ants.

"Aww look, they're all around Max. He's like the Lord of the Ants," Owner-human coos. She looks up at Miranda. "C'mon it's not a big deal. Just think: we could have an infestation of baby rachni," Miranda-human is not amused, "Instead, we just have ants. Which are harmless really."

"Just get rid of them, Shepard," Miranda-human sighs.

"What's the point? The ship won't even be ours by tomorrow," Owner-human says sadly. Miranda-human's lip quivers.

"I will not have them taking over this ship and thinking that I let us live in such..._filth_," Miranda-human says.

Owner-human stands up. Max grabs at lettuce possessively. Sneaks over to steal more from sandwich.

Owner-human hugs Miranda-human. Arms close tight.

"I'm gonna miss you, Miri," Owner-human says quietly. Miranda-human stands stiff. "It's called a hug, Lawson. Put your damn arms around me."

Miranda-human complies. White gloved hand pats at Owner-human's shoulder. Then pushes Owner-human away.

"Fix it, Shepard," Miranda-human calls over shoulder. She leaves room. Owner-human looks after her sadly. Pets Max.

"That woman, I swear," Owner-human mutters. Looks at sandwich. "Goddamn it, Max. Did you eat off my food? Fuck."

Max hangs head.

"Ah, whatever. C'mon Max, let's go sit with the others. It's our last night together," Owner-human offers. Holds out palm. Max still wary. Doesn't want to go in cage. "I won't make you go in your cage until tomorrow, I promise."

Max nods. Grabs favorite ant (Max names him Craig) and hops onto Owner-human's hand. Max puts Craig on his shoulder and scurries up to Owner-human's shoulder. Rides triumphantly as Owner-human crosses the room.

Max is sad for everyone to leave. But Owner-human will always come back to _Normandy_. So Max won't leave. This Max-home. Owner-human won't catch Max tomorrow.

* * *

**Alright! It's finally time for the captain to leave the ship! Wonder what Max is going to get up to with the new Alliance crew doing the retrofits? *Cue entrance of Samantha Traynor* I'm so excited!**

**This chapter was partly inspired by a post by thepigeongazette on Tumblr. (you should check them out because they're hilarious). Hit me up if you want to know the exact post. It won't let me post the actual link, and I can't seem to get around it, like I've seen others do. (Can anyone help with this? Send me a PM).**

**Anyway, thanks for reading! Also, I'm on tumblr as muffledwalnut, so come say hi!**


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